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Hey Everyone ,

I am going to indulge a bit of ranting tonight and allow myself to wallow in my own misery for just a little while . I don't even really know why this stuff is coming to the surface tonight but I guess I should just deal with it and get over it .

throughout my past I have lost alot of friends to reasons I am not really sure about.They don't talk to me any more yet they all seem to talk to each other , it is like a"I hate The magpie Club" I know that this sounds drenched in self pity and it is to a degree. I guess I am just wondering what it is about The Magpie that makes this sorta thing happen. People I have been so close to just seem to shut themselves off to me completely but still talk to others in my life. I know what my mam tells me and what all my hero's and idols would say , but I also hear that little voice in my head that tells me I am the problem. That voice doesn't always take over but the odd time it's words eat away at my resolve and I sit and think . I have even approached one or two of them and asked them out right , I asked one what we fell out over and they replied I don't really know ! Another told me they were jealous of my other friendships . That can't be the case for them all though and I am the only common denominator . Maybe I need to figure out what the root issue is and address it , I don't want to loose any  one else from my life , I've lost enough .......


So if I am the problem how do I fix it ? How do I ensure I don't loose anyone else. How do I stop that voice that makes me doubt myself and who or what  I am ?I am tired of always feeling like a bitch , I am tired of hearing that I am a bitch . I am so very tired of having to monitor myself to the point of not talking at times in fear of hurting someone unintentionally and in turn pushing them away too. You know I once had a friend who out of the blue just stopped talking to me . Now I know I sound like someone who is trying to shift the blame from myself but I swear on my Gran dad's grave that it came out of the blue , from nowhere . Anyway this friend just stopped talking to me and went to mutual friends bitching and name calling . One day I wrote this friend a letter telling them how much I loved them and wanted to sort out our issues . I handed it to them and the ripped it up before My eyes without reading it . A year went bye where we didn't talk or text or even facebook , till one day I received a text from this person. The text said they needed closure and that they thought I would die alone ,that I was a bitch and pushed people away . Now I swear to God that this was the text I received and that was exactly how we fell out . For someone to hate me that much I must have done something , a mutual friend one day spoke to him about it and he just replied that I know what I did , but when pushed couldn't tell her what it was that I did.


I am just so sick of constantly being blamed and being the person that others take their shit out on . Then the voice kicks in ..... What if I am to blame ? What if I drive everyone away ? What if I am the monster they describe?


Sorry it's so whinge

Thanks for listening

The Magpie

xxx

Heh everyone ,


I am still doing alot of thinking about the effect I want my life to have , I have been talking to alot o people , professionals in different areas. I am hoping that by talking to these people I would gain an insight and have one of these fabled epiphanys and hear the angels singing because I will finally know what I want to do and my whole life would just slot into place. Sadly this has not happened for me yet , and further more I don't see it happening. Slowly and painfully I am coming round to the thought that nothing in life is going to happen quite as I dream it to. Sadly there is nothing outside of me that will make me as splendidly happy a I hope ! The conclusion I have come to is that I need to make the most of what I have i life. Now before I go further  I Don't want anyone reading this is to think I have nothing in my life , I do , I was just chasing this ideal , that doesn't exist..


I think what I need to focus on now is making the small changes and taking pleasure in the small things i life. The only thing is I read alot of things like the quote above , and watch women break the mould and make something of their life . Then I start to think why can't I do that? why can't I make those strides and break new ground and do it on my terms ?? It boils down to two major issues ; Fear -Fear of not knowing , Fear of failing etc  and not really knowing what I could give to the world ! I have all these ideas for various business' I could open and gaps in different markets that I have identified. However I lack the ability to zone in on one particular idea that I could throw myself behind ... if you could help me in this regard I would greatly appreciate it !


One thing I have decided is that I need a career change, I need to do that for the sake of my and everyone around Me's sanity . It is not a healthy place for me to be , so that is my next step . I will get a new job .I will still think about ways to leave my mark on the world .


So until next time my tasks are
. find a new job
. Enjoy the simple things in life
. Smile more :-)




Thanks for listening


The Magpie

xxx

Just to keep us all going ..

The Magpie

xxxx

Heh Everyone ,


Well what has been happening in the mad cap  world of the Magpie these last few days.... Well for starters I am on holidays !!! WHOOHOO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A whole week awway from the place that drives me demented... I can't believe it , it is amazing ...

So our weekend has been mental ,started off with my brothers 30th ..A BBQ  down in my mothers , plenty of drink was had and plenty of  laughs then off to Galway for the Curra fest . let me tell you all about that journey ;


First my dad  dropped myself and Mad Mac to the train station where we dicovered the train we wannted didn't actully depart from the station we were at  luckily enough there was a train headed for our destination sitting there in the station, however we were not allowed on said train .. Thank God the driver took pity on us and alowed us on the train , although we did have to rush to catch him .  . eventually we get picked up by my friend  and her partner and proceed to their house via the winding , extremly bumpy roads. We get to the house and are served a delicious dinner of cottage pie . I have never tasted anything quite so nice as that was at that moment . Everything was fantastic until we looked out the widow , and to our dismay it was raining  !! My heart sank , a full day in the rain ughh !!

After the dinner off we drove to her Mammy's house ,, and from there we hit the pub . Shortly afterwards the big green bus arrrived and before I knew it we were on our way . A few short moments were spent on the bus when we pulled up outside a golf course in the middle of nowhere. Feck it we thought ad off we trotted . Our first port of call when we got in was to the bar , sadly we eded up stayig there or quite a number f hours becase what had started off as a light drizzle and turned biblical in its downpur . Eventuay we all tired out of standing in  the dry area and made our way to the stages , there was a few hours of brilliance , drinking listening to great music , wearing a big blue plastic pocho. Sadly I am getting to old for this malaracky and at about two o clock this morning after standing in the rain for close to 12 hours   I was cold and tired and all I wanted was a bed . So  eventually  we left and went to look for our bus , and here is when it got interesting .  You see there was no bus . We spent the next two hours trying to figure out how we were getting home . After a half hour of blagging we got our way home , and I eventually foud a bed ,, shivering I got dressed in to dry clothes and climbed in to the worlds most comfortable bed . Though I woke this morning with a cold !!!


Here are some pictures form our day in Galway

Mad Mac and my lovelies

The type of person we encoutered ; mad as a brush but great craic

Myself and Mad Mac

So today I am tired and cranky and I can not get warm , but twas a great laugh and will be yet another story I can pass on to my grand kids one day .. "I''ll never forget the time I got stranded in Galway soaked to the skin....."   God I can moan lol , anyways  till next time




Thanks for listening

The Magpie
xxxxxx