Heh Everyone ,


Just a quick few photos that I wanted to share with all of you.

This is Mad Mac and myself prior to the "Phantom of the Opera". Also before the man got siked ad ended up in hospital but the less said about that the better . T'was a great day to be fair, even if we did get soaked afterwards but the show itself more than made up for it.

Two people I admire so much. Last Sunday we made a trip to the newbridge silver style Icon

museum . That museum is like my heaven . It is packed to the rafters with paraphernalia from all the major stars of the past.. They even have Marilyn Monroe's old high school year book, back when she was plain old Norma Jean. They also have ( which I found most exciting)was her actual script from the movie "something's got to give" including her own notes !!! I asked Mad Mac to buy me a collection of my very own, fingers crossed he wins the lotto !!!

I will go again and this time I will sneakily take pictures and post them should any of you care to see them .

Anyways thanks for listening

The Magpie

xxxxxxx

It made me smile when I saw it , hope it will do the same for someone else


Thanks for listening

The Magpie

xxxxxxx

Heh Everyone ,

Well what has been happening with this magpie , not a heck of alot to be honest well nothing good anyway . Life has been pretty much running as normal , well once mad mac got discharged from hospital anyway !!  I have found a few places to apply to for work and have sent off my cv and what not so fingers crossed something comes out of it . My working life has remained the same as the last time I posted so we wont going to get in to it .

I am preparing myself for our impending trip  to Barcelona ! To be honest I can not wait and I think it is something that both of us really really need. A break , a break from this town and the people and the situations we are always in ..... Yeah , sun , sea , sand and ........

I have decided that I am always asking all of you for advice and opinions , and I never give anything back to anyone. So I am opening it up to anyone, if anyone needs to talk or run any thing by or indeed want to offer me advice on any of my rants then feel free lol . I may not have the Right answers for you but I will do my best !

Anyways

Thanks for listening

The Magpie
xxxxxx

Heh Everyone,

Well it has been one mad weekend in the magpie household, and it is far from enjoyable . This tale begins on Thursday night last week , when Mad Mac who had been feeling ill all week , took a turn in the bed. He began to convulse in the bed beside me and he couldn't catch his breath . I have no qualms telling anyone it scared the hell outta me . I was nearly in tears . I got my mam to phone us a taxi and away to Accident and Emergency we went . Once there they ran some tests and discovered his temp was 40.1 degrees . They gave him antibiotics and paracetamol and sent us on our merry way.The next day  , we receive a phone call asking for him to return to the hospital , he had a serious blood infection. They admitted him pretty much immediately.  Since then we have spent all of our days in hospital just waiting  . I am sure Mad Mac will fill you all in on the sordid details . All I can and want to say is that this is the worst weekend of my life. I have never missed someone or been so scared in all my life. As I type Mad Mac is still in hospital but if there is a god he will be released tomorrow , and I can tell you it won't be a moment too soon.  Keep your fingers crossed folks.

Thanks for listening

The Magpie
xxxxx

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Hey Everyone ,

I am going to indulge a bit of ranting tonight and allow myself to wallow in my own misery for just a little while . I don't even really know why this stuff is coming to the surface tonight but I guess I should just deal with it and get over it .

throughout my past I have lost alot of friends to reasons I am not really sure about.They don't talk to me any more yet they all seem to talk to each other , it is like a"I hate The magpie Club" I know that this sounds drenched in self pity and it is to a degree. I guess I am just wondering what it is about The Magpie that makes this sorta thing happen. People I have been so close to just seem to shut themselves off to me completely but still talk to others in my life. I know what my mam tells me and what all my hero's and idols would say , but I also hear that little voice in my head that tells me I am the problem. That voice doesn't always take over but the odd time it's words eat away at my resolve and I sit and think . I have even approached one or two of them and asked them out right , I asked one what we fell out over and they replied I don't really know ! Another told me they were jealous of my other friendships . That can't be the case for them all though and I am the only common denominator . Maybe I need to figure out what the root issue is and address it , I don't want to loose any  one else from my life , I've lost enough .......


So if I am the problem how do I fix it ? How do I ensure I don't loose anyone else. How do I stop that voice that makes me doubt myself and who or what  I am ?I am tired of always feeling like a bitch , I am tired of hearing that I am a bitch . I am so very tired of having to monitor myself to the point of not talking at times in fear of hurting someone unintentionally and in turn pushing them away too. You know I once had a friend who out of the blue just stopped talking to me . Now I know I sound like someone who is trying to shift the blame from myself but I swear on my Gran dad's grave that it came out of the blue , from nowhere . Anyway this friend just stopped talking to me and went to mutual friends bitching and name calling . One day I wrote this friend a letter telling them how much I loved them and wanted to sort out our issues . I handed it to them and the ripped it up before My eyes without reading it . A year went bye where we didn't talk or text or even facebook , till one day I received a text from this person. The text said they needed closure and that they thought I would die alone ,that I was a bitch and pushed people away . Now I swear to God that this was the text I received and that was exactly how we fell out . For someone to hate me that much I must have done something , a mutual friend one day spoke to him about it and he just replied that I know what I did , but when pushed couldn't tell her what it was that I did.


I am just so sick of constantly being blamed and being the person that others take their shit out on . Then the voice kicks in ..... What if I am to blame ? What if I drive everyone away ? What if I am the monster they describe?


Sorry it's so whinge

Thanks for listening

The Magpie

xxx

Heh everyone ,


I am still doing alot of thinking about the effect I want my life to have , I have been talking to alot o people , professionals in different areas. I am hoping that by talking to these people I would gain an insight and have one of these fabled epiphanys and hear the angels singing because I will finally know what I want to do and my whole life would just slot into place. Sadly this has not happened for me yet , and further more I don't see it happening. Slowly and painfully I am coming round to the thought that nothing in life is going to happen quite as I dream it to. Sadly there is nothing outside of me that will make me as splendidly happy a I hope ! The conclusion I have come to is that I need to make the most of what I have i life. Now before I go further  I Don't want anyone reading this is to think I have nothing in my life , I do , I was just chasing this ideal , that doesn't exist..


I think what I need to focus on now is making the small changes and taking pleasure in the small things i life. The only thing is I read alot of things like the quote above , and watch women break the mould and make something of their life . Then I start to think why can't I do that? why can't I make those strides and break new ground and do it on my terms ?? It boils down to two major issues ; Fear -Fear of not knowing , Fear of failing etc  and not really knowing what I could give to the world ! I have all these ideas for various business' I could open and gaps in different markets that I have identified. However I lack the ability to zone in on one particular idea that I could throw myself behind ... if you could help me in this regard I would greatly appreciate it !


One thing I have decided is that I need a career change, I need to do that for the sake of my and everyone around Me's sanity . It is not a healthy place for me to be , so that is my next step . I will get a new job .I will still think about ways to leave my mark on the world .


So until next time my tasks are
. find a new job
. Enjoy the simple things in life
. Smile more :-)




Thanks for listening


The Magpie

xxx

Just to keep us all going ..

The Magpie

xxxx

Heh Everyone ,


Well what has been happening in the mad cap  world of the Magpie these last few days.... Well for starters I am on holidays !!! WHOOHOO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A whole week awway from the place that drives me demented... I can't believe it , it is amazing ...

So our weekend has been mental ,started off with my brothers 30th ..A BBQ  down in my mothers , plenty of drink was had and plenty of  laughs then off to Galway for the Curra fest . let me tell you all about that journey ;


First my dad  dropped myself and Mad Mac to the train station where we dicovered the train we wannted didn't actully depart from the station we were at  luckily enough there was a train headed for our destination sitting there in the station, however we were not allowed on said train .. Thank God the driver took pity on us and alowed us on the train , although we did have to rush to catch him .  . eventually we get picked up by my friend  and her partner and proceed to their house via the winding , extremly bumpy roads. We get to the house and are served a delicious dinner of cottage pie . I have never tasted anything quite so nice as that was at that moment . Everything was fantastic until we looked out the widow , and to our dismay it was raining  !! My heart sank , a full day in the rain ughh !!

After the dinner off we drove to her Mammy's house ,, and from there we hit the pub . Shortly afterwards the big green bus arrrived and before I knew it we were on our way . A few short moments were spent on the bus when we pulled up outside a golf course in the middle of nowhere. Feck it we thought ad off we trotted . Our first port of call when we got in was to the bar , sadly we eded up stayig there or quite a number f hours becase what had started off as a light drizzle and turned biblical in its downpur . Eventuay we all tired out of standing in  the dry area and made our way to the stages , there was a few hours of brilliance , drinking listening to great music , wearing a big blue plastic pocho. Sadly I am getting to old for this malaracky and at about two o clock this morning after standing in the rain for close to 12 hours   I was cold and tired and all I wanted was a bed . So  eventually  we left and went to look for our bus , and here is when it got interesting .  You see there was no bus . We spent the next two hours trying to figure out how we were getting home . After a half hour of blagging we got our way home , and I eventually foud a bed ,, shivering I got dressed in to dry clothes and climbed in to the worlds most comfortable bed . Though I woke this morning with a cold !!!


Here are some pictures form our day in Galway

Mad Mac and my lovelies

The type of person we encoutered ; mad as a brush but great craic

Myself and Mad Mac

So today I am tired and cranky and I can not get warm , but twas a great laugh and will be yet another story I can pass on to my grand kids one day .. "I''ll never forget the time I got stranded in Galway soaked to the skin....."   God I can moan lol , anyways  till next time




Thanks for listening

The Magpie
xxxxxx

Heh Everyone,


Sorry it has been a while since I last blogged .. but I do have alot of news for you guys , finaly found a few jobs I can apply for so fingers crossed something comes out of them !! I dream of the day I can walk in to the office sit them down and tell them all I am off. There are several versions of this event in my head , al bar one end violently and usually with some tears ! However the realist in me just can  no wait to type up that letter of resigation and hand it in. Since I last moaned at you I have had more run  ins with the "team" and am slowly but surley loosing my sanity . Of course there are things I will miss about that place , the service users are a definate issue for me. I have spent so long working with them now that it is going to be strange  to not be there any more. As much as they can wreck my head, I do love them . When the stress of working with those that I work with is removed from the situation I find myself really enjoying their company. Although that for me is not enough to risk my sanity and menta health . After my last "run in" I went to  my mam's and cried on my little sisters shoulder while my niece looked on terrified . I would like you all to think she was afraid because she never saw me cry and this was a new departure for her , one she clearly found hard to handle . Alas this is not the case the child was terrified because when riled ad upset I become very irritable and am unfortunatly the owner of a very dirty temper . The language I used in that child's vncinity I shudder to remember . Before ayone goes getting ideas I did apologise to the child ad we are hunky dory again. Though it does go too show how much  that place affects me and how badly it does so.



On a happier note some positve things have happened in the past few weeks  . We have booked a holiday in barcelona for the end of the year. I swear I can not wait . I will tel you how bad it is , I have already purchased t wo dresses for evening times out there . I know ahead of the game , but they are beautiful . Hmm what else? Well we got a cat , it is a male so we named him Monroe and yes it is because of my idol ! He is a little shit , seriousy , a cute shit but a shit just the same . He loves nibbling my toes or eating wires , phone chargers, tv plugs , computer chargers , hair straightners , my laces , my shoes , me -  the list my friends is endless . Still though he is cute , here see for yourselves

Roman Monroe aka Ro Ro

see cute !!!

What else , oh yeah we booked tickets to go see the Phantom Of the Opera In the Grand Canal Theatre . I am so excited , I have never been to something like this before so it will be a new experiece and one I can not wait for. Those who have read my postings before will know that I started a heathy eating routine , well sadly it kinda went pear shaped , but I am more dertmined than ever to work so hard at it. I bought a dress for the Opera , it doesn't fit me yet but it will . I need to loose maybe 5 pounds and it will fit perfecty , I have a month to do this . I reckon I can do it. I will need help though all support would be greatly appreciated . My positivity is still going strong.In spite of all the drama and all the run in's and all those I am  finding myself very positive about life lately so i will sign off with something positive.

Thanks for listening

The Magpie

xxxxxxxxxx

Heh Everyone ,

Forgive me , my ramblings today may be a tad morose , well then today is pop's first anniversary. Three hundred and sixty five days ago he closed his eyes never to open them again.If you wouldn't mind to allow me , this is my letter to him today.


Dear Pop's

Happy Anniversary !!!! can I say that? ah well I have never been  too PC so why change the habit of a life time  now!


It's been a whole year already Jimbob , it has been the longest and yet quickest year of my life. There has been so many changes in my life this year alone that I am kinda lost. First of all when you passed everything got turned upside down on me . You were never sick always strong so seeing you weak changed everything , what I thought I knew what I could depend on , was proven to be wrong . Then my family disintegrated before our very eyes. No one was talking and everyone was hurting and taking it out on each other . I felt stuck in the middle unsure of who to talk to or what I was allowed to say . Betty totally lost it  , I am sure you saw that ?  I couldn't keep up with the role reversals Pop's. If you were here you would have sorted them all out . The things they began to say to each other , it was crazy to hear and it hurt t hear some of the things said.


Then I left home properly for the first time . Moved in with my friend .. It should have been the best time but that too fell to pieces. It's not that I didn't try to fix it I swear to God I did. I tried so hard but it wore me down  I had so much of my own stuff floating round my head that her emotional baggage proved too much. I couldn't handle it , and I told her that . Things turned frosty , she stopped talking to me it became intolerable. So I left and we have not spoken since. I am partly to blame for that , I have not tried to hard to mend that bridge.



As for work, Pop's I need to change that situation. It is killing me . It is what I thought I wanted to do but lately I have discovered that it is defiantly not what I want to do. Sadly I am stuck , and I really need your help to get the hell out of there. I am not sleeping , feeling sick and dreading the thoughts of going in there . I know no one likes going to work but to dread the thoughts of getting up ? to getting physically sick at the thought of having to be there. I need that change , I need to be happy ad being there defiantly does not make me happy .



What does make me happy is the other big change this year. Moving in with Mad Mac that is a decision that has worked for me. He helps to calm that storm Pop's . Everyday I panic  about pretty much every aspect o my life . I question and doubt everything I have said and doe , I second guess it all .. Then  I go home and close the door and it all stops. That feeling of dread in lines the bottom of y stomach as I spend my days in work dissipates the minute I walk in my front door. It is my safe haven and it has alot to do with Mad Mac , and now our pet Monroe! It is what I want , it is where I feel   safest !



Sorry I am sounding so negative pop , but I am struggling with certain aspects of my life , and now you are my guiding light I need you to help me out . I miss you Jimbob !!
I really do it still hurts


I love you

\Your Granddaughter

The Magpie

xxxxx



It's a strange time for this Magpie , but I know I will get through it , I have a very powerful angel up there looking out for me . He will catch me when I need him . I also have many angels here with me , they just don't have their wings yet !!

Thanks for listening


The Magpie
xxx

Just one more tool to remind me to continue to be positive !!!

Just because I love this , and a word of warning to Mad Mac lol !!!

Heh Everyone



It's been a while since I last posted so I shall endavour to catch you all up on what has been happening in my life. Well remember my last post ?? As it stands at the moment not a heck of a lot has changed except for my attitude . I have adopted a whole new approach to my life . My new life motto is I "positivism to give 'em" So basically I walk into a situation and I extract only the positives ,  if there are  no posities I simply turn those negatives into a positive by making a few changes . Sounds simple enough right ?? Well I can guarantee you that it is not , after a lifetime  of living my life one way and reacting to events in a certain manner retraining yourself to react differently takes time but I am getting there.

I have already started to make small changes to my life , I have changed my diet to my healthy choices ( I posted about this previously) and have started at the gym . So far I have lost five pounds , and all this in two weeks ! These small changes have made a huge diference to my overall well being . I feel so much better in myself , which can only be a good thing right ?

I have also wait for it .............  I HAVE STOPPED SMOKING !!!  yes folks it may only be in the last two weeks but heh it's a bloody start and I  am damned proud of myself.  I aim to keep it going as far as I am concerned I am a non smoker !!


I am also taking the bull by the horns as far as that work situation is concerned . I am applying for every job I see and I am trying to get myself out of that situation. To this end I am utilising the ideas and triks outlined in "The Secret". Now I know this is not for everyone and many may scoff but the basics that I get out of it were ; that if I believe something will happen then it will . it's called the law of attraction. what I put put I to the universe I will get back   So in my head that translates as if I believe that I will  get a new job that I will be happy doing and if I actively believe it , then it will happen. So that is what I am doing , I have written a list of the types of jobs that I could do and am qualified to do . I actively believe I will get it , and assuming I get up of my ass and work for it well then I should get it. I am aso trying to avail of every opportunity I can to get traied up in as many different areas...... I honestly don't think I can do anymore !!!!



So needless to say I have been doing a lot of thinking about where my life is going and what I want out of it . Some of the things I have discovered  about myself - like what I spoke about above - are fairly normal and quite a good idea. One of the  things I discovered - we can call it a hidden desire- kinda scares me . It is quite personal so I won't go in to it completely but suffice it to say  the decision I have made will change everything and not only for me .   Obviously it's not my decision to make alone and it is something we would really need to tak about . It is not something I want tomorrow or anything silly like that but soon ??....

Just some words to keep me going !!!

Heh Everyone ,

I just had to come on and tell you all about my day. Needless to say it was not my best day ever. I won't go in to all the sordid deatils of my day , I work with people with disabilities and since this is a work issue I wont get in to it . However and correct me if I am wrong but locking yourself in  bathroom and crying during work hours does not a healthy mind make !! Yes  I am usually a strong person but lately i have been pushed beyond my limits . Alot of things have been happening which stretch from not being paid because they"forgot" to put my timesheets in  to been bollocked out of it for another staff's mistakes to being messed around contract wise. Today for me was the last straw and I have seriously had enough.


I have spent my evening trying to look up jobs on line and well I guess I shouldn't be surprised but there is nothing going. So then I started looking up all these websites about how to find your dream job and  how to get it . So I am now starting to try figure out what I want to do . I am thining working for myself would be a huge bonus lol . However while  this sounds fantastic I am not sure what I can actually do . One bit of advice this particular website gave me was to work out what my hobbies are - I guess socialising doesn't cut it . Ok so Hobbies - I enjoy writing and randomly ranting on line to imaginary people, I enjoy travelling and dealing with people - certain people anyway - I like collecting vintage items , be they clothes or household items or what have ya . I enjoy watching movies and non stop talking about what I thought about it . I could go on!

The next question was a little harder  They asked me to think about my talents . Spelling is not one I already know that ! As for what qualifies as a talent I am struggling to think people say that they find it easy to talk to that I am a good listener - Does that count?  Aso I write poetry and I would like to think they are good ( if you want to check them ut check out www.writing4all.com and my username is dennym, if you do let me know what you think!)  so this is where I am stuck so if anyone out there has any  suggestions or helpful hints or would like to give me a  job  leave me a comment !!



Thanks for listening

The Magpie


xxxxx

Heh everyone ,


Just back from my assessment at the gym.. Oh lord do I have my work cut out for me ! My fabulous instructor Naveen is currently making out my plan for me . He did the whole weighing thing ( by the way I am down an entire pound since my last weigh in !) and he worked our my measurements . I am not happy with those but I guess that is why I am going to the gym in the first place.

What i am surprised about is he gave us a big motivational lecture about having to change our perspectives and the way we relate to our emotions. He was saying how our emotions and mood affect everything in our lives . That if we look at the reasons why we want to loose the weight and focus on that and the emotions around that , that it would make it easier for us because we will want it too happen. He also spoke about believing it will work so instead of me saying I wish was a certain size that I should start to believe I am that size and i will work to get it better . I came away with alot to think about to be honest. The hardest part of this whole process for me  will be changing how I  feel about food and my relationship to food . I love food in fact I would go so far as saying I adore food, but I can recognise that I eat when bored ad stressed and  that I eat the wrong food . See this ties in with what he was saying about the emotions . He said he knew our job and how emotionally draining it is , so to make me feel better after a tough day i turn to quick sugar fixes to lift my spirits which piles on more weight. It is really a vicious circle . I am back in the gym on Sunday at three. I know a Sunday I am dreading it but if I want this to work I have to put the hard yards in. Anywho  My main focus or the next few days is trying to get in to the habit of eating healthy . Which is a massive turn around from my usual eating routine.So where I would usually have my much adored bread I will eat something different fruit or something ..Ooooh Lord


Any way I am off to look up healthy alternatives for my lunches and dinners . Wish me luck !!


Thanks for listening

The Magpie

xx

Dear Pops



I just wanted to write to you today to wish you a Happy Birthday !! It's your first one without us . I hope you are having a ball up there with plenty of pints flowing! It is a strange day , I thought I would be in bits today crying and generally being a mess. Instead I am in great form , must be the sunshine , thanks for that by the way  !


I am getting there Pop I can talk about you without breaking down into a flood of tears . I can look at your pictures and wear your locket and not be engufed with this whirlpool of emotions. I do miss you , sometimes I stil walk in to your kitchen and look to the seat where you should be sitting and expect to see you there. Or when I have to fill the bucket for Nan and have to go in to your turf shed I half expect to have you come out to yell at me for breaking your turf wall . It feels empty without you although you cant take a setp in that house without seeing your face , your picture is everywhere. I have a lovely picture of us up in my house . It is the one from my leaving party , the one in the outback where you finally gave me a kiss when I didn't have to chase you for it !



I have been thinking alot lately bout my life and the things I want  from it. I am sure you've heard the things I have been asking for advice about? I honestly would like your opinion on it , and although I am not sure how the system up there works can you at least try and give me a sign about what you think......


Life for me is going great , the house is lovely and things with Phil are going great. I'm sure you know that already ! Work is a pain in the ass , so I will need your help finding something else and something far better than where I am . Granny is doing well  she is prob sick of the sight of us but we are there esp Ma she is aways there . She is doing alot better of late , slowly but surely coming out the other side. The crappy things that happened are heaing that way too . People still dont speak but on the whole things are alot calmer and less bitchy but I don't think things will ever go back to how they used to be , I reckon you were the glue for our family . Now you are not here we're not held together but at least we are alot closer of late !


Anyway Pops I will stop bending your ear and let you enjoy your day where ever you are . I ill write again if thats ok with you ? I love you and I miss you

Your loving grand daughter

The Magpie


xxxx

Just because .. hell the woman is right !!

Heh Everyone ,

I am spending my evening minding my little nephew . He is a gorgeous one and a bit year old . I would post the photos I took of us this evening but my brother ( his daddy) wont let me . Why not do it any way well my brother is about 6 ft 5 " twenty odd stone and not adverse to causing his little sister alot of pain via Chinese burns , dead arms and various wrestling moves !! so I find it best to choose my battles It costs less on medical bills !

Anyway back to my original story . My nephew had fallen asleep early enough , I  put him in his cot and came back down the stairs and turned on his camera . All was quiet  for about a half an hour when I heard him begin to whimper . I got up and checked the camera when I witnessed him sit bolt upright in his bed and begin to vomit in the same vain of that little girl in the exorcist! I ran straight up the stairs in time to see him begin to choke on his own vomit . With my heart in my mouth I lifted him up and started to pat him on the back in an effort to help ease the sensation. At this stage it is only fair to say I was panicking . I was a bout to ring an ambulance when his crying and heaving subsided .  He moved away from my chest where I was cuddling him , looked me dead in the eye and said "Bobba Nika ?" The little shagger wanted his bottle !!!!!!!

I couldn't believe it , in my head I had the worst case scenario with ambulance sirens and doctors  and all he was doing was making room for  his next bottle .  Before you worry once I had sufficiently recovered and ensured he was actually alright I gave him a stern talking to about scaring me like that . He looked up at me with his big eyes , gave me a kiss on the cheek . cuddled into my chest and fell asleep .  So needless to say we are friends again and that kid has me wrapped around his little finger already  but my god I will not forget this night of babysitting for a long time to come , and when he is big enough perhaps his 18th or when we meet his first girlfriend I will show him this blog , and all the pictures I have of him in his nappy !! Ah revenge a dish best served cold me thinks !!!!




Thanks for listening

The Magpie

xxx

Heh everyone ,

I have given myself a massive task to undertake . I have decided to set myself a goal weight and dress size . In three months time I wish to loose a stone and a half and one - two dress sizes . I weighed myself today and while I wont share what this weight was with you I will share each weeks weigh in and how it is going for me . I know it may seem strange to share all this info with complete strangers like this but if I keep a semi diary of what I am doing it might just help me along . Also if  anyone has any tips on the best way to do this I would greatly appreciate this!  A little bit of encouragement wouldn't go as tray either .

I have started making little changes to my lifestyle already , I have made an appointment to go to my local gym and get an assessment done so I can get a programme made up . I have also changed my diet sightly  I love bread absolutely adore bread but it's not great for me so I am cutting down on bread ( I have been advised by some ladies I work with to remove bread an carbs from my diet altogether but like I said  I adore bread I wouldn't survive without it , I would end up on  bread binge !)I have swapped my full fat milk for a slim line milk. I have also started to drink more green tea and water and have cut down enormously on the fizzy drinks I was drinking. other changes include going walking . I started that today . Myself and one of the ladies I work with went for an hour long walk . I never realised how unfit I was , my legs started cramping pretty much immediately . My feet are sore , and my lungs felt like they were going to explode from the about the third step. Though it is a start and everyone needs to start somewhere. I have planned to go to the gym one evening a week , go for  a walk one more evening and use the treadmill and dumbbell's at home one other evening . I don't want to over do it because I will get so bored and give in . I figure small changes will be easier to adapt to which may mean I will stick to it right ?

Also had issues this week with some

 one form my past . It's a lesson learned  sometimes the words I have can maybe hurt another person . I never thought about that as I typed but then those were the words floating in my head at the time . I needed to get them out of my head . It doesn't make me a bitch , naive maybe but then again that's all part of life isn't it ? you learn by experiencing .  So I have come to the conclusion that I am going to leave the past in the past and move to the future with positivity.

Anyway that's my news for today and that's my focus for the next coming weeks . If anyone has any words of encouragement  I'll take them all !!

Thanks for listening

The Magpie

xx

 Have you ever read something that really just makes you smile . Reading what I read tonight has just re inforced something I already knew . I am one really lucky lady . Agreeing to that meal was the best decision I ever made!

Been sitting here trying to think of something clever , mysterious and romantic to say but everything that I have typed  I have deleted because it just doen't sound right. So I have decided on one little message that if he reads I hope he both gets and appreciates . So here it goes ............

............ "You're too cool !"

Mood - Very Happy


Thanks for listening

The Magpie
   xxxxx

I ave decided I am going to live by these very words ... Those that want to judge me , can judge all they like I'd rather live my life than listen to them  moan about there own !!!

For all the issues this lady had she is still the most beautiful and inspiring woman ever.

Just so you know expect more of her on my posts!!

When Jim passed away like I said I was very all over the place . So on the suggestion of some loved ones I went to see a grievance counsellor . It was weird at first considering the man's name is Jim ! but after the first session I began to open up to him and actually talk . At the same time there was alot of family things happening at the same time. My Grandad was the glue of the family and after he died we all just seemed to fall apart.  At a time when we should have come together we turned on each other . This particular counsellor was set up by the local Parish Centre so he was sort of religious and when I showed him the poem I wrote when I heard it was terminal  , lets just say it made the atmosphere very cold  !

I am constantly told to believe in you

that you're divine blessings are true

Your words , I'm told can save my Soul

I just have to believe in you is all

Each event that happens , according to what I hear

Is all planned to bring us near.

Tell you how much we love and need

We listen because after all you did bleed

For our Sins - To Save our Souls

Not once did you refuse - not at all

You carried the burden, you followed the rules

if we don't believe we're the fools

From when we are small

For any loss that may befall

We're told you wanted them home

To be your angel, and to you they all come.

A forgiving God

A loving father

To this my thoughts covered in fog

The devil i know I'd rather

At least he wouldn lie

he'd look at you and tell you . "you'll die "

Your soul he'd thieve

In that you can believe .

My faith was always shaken

The truths I'm forced fed , i just cant take in

A divinity that's meant to protect me

A being so celestial and free

But answer me this

What do you gain from taking his Soul

and breaking the hearts of us all?

Taking your angel home to be with you

Is this greed a part to be loved in you ?

whats worse is your method

His life was clean , his soul pure

now his body ravaged by a disease with no cure

the pain he feels at the darkening of the day

is unbelievable and kills me to say

A man who done you no wrong

his faith in you was always strong

You've turned your back on his welfare

tell me how is this fair?

I'm in no way thinking him immortal

Sadly I knew this day would eventually befall

But the way it's happening

I cant swallow at all.

what was wrong with him closing his eyes one night

lying side by side with his wife

together they make their journey with no warning

Neither opening their eyes in the morning.

For his life that he lived

no sins to forgive

that would have been nice

now our hearts laden trapped in a vice

watching the demise of the man we adore

willing our hearts not to fall to the floor

wathchng the disease kill him minute by minute

leaving a shell of a man , I just cant believe it

What possible lesson is there to be learned?

what truths do we need to earn?

why hurt this life?

why Slowly kill his wife?

What do you gain

from watching our pain

why do we need to cry

Is all they teach about you a lie!





I can understand why he he was sightly taken aback . He understood where I was coming from and spent alot of time talking about this to me ... My faith is still shaken and I am not sure what I believe in . That's neither here or there to be honest . I am at the point now where I am not angry any more , and I don't cry when I talk about him, which has got to be  a good thing right? I look at him now as a guiding light someone I call on when I feel scared or alone . I write him letters  now just to let him know how things are going for me and whats happening in my life ..


Thanks for listening

The Magpie

This next two months are going to be very hard for me and I want to tell you why . On June 19th of last year I lost my Grandad Jim to a very short illness. He had cancer for quite some time and we did not know about it . He was the sort of man who never liked to tell anyone if he felt under the weather or sick . He was too proud so it was only because it had advanced so much that it started affecting his memory and balance that we knew something was up . When the hallucinations began we knew it was very serious.

I need to explain what this man meant to me , this man was my hero . He was always there and always strong , seeing him slowly disappear in front of my eyes was possibly the hardest thing I have ever had to witness. My nan was always ill , well at least for as long as i can remember .He was always taking care of her . After her heart operation this stepped up a gear  , walking her to the car carrying her weight  , ensuring she needed for nothing. Every summer  he would walk out to his garden ( which by the way he tended to very well , he even won awards in the local tidy towns competition ) and bring her in the last rose of the summer and present it to her. He was a constant for me . The one person who made sure  you knew where you stood with him . I loved him so much so hearing that,  this man I regarded as the strongest man I know , falling apart in front of my eyes well it shook me to the core. Everything I thought I knew and understood about the world went out the window . I found myself unable to concentrate. I would be  having conversations with people but if they asked me to repeat what was said I was stuck  . I was there but I wasn't there if you get my meaning . I was too busy trying to make everything make sense again.My friends and boyfriend were really good to me but they were at a loss as to what to do to help me . I was crying over the littlest things, and the things that should have upset me just didn't . The only thing I did do during that period was write poetry . I had always write poetry but this was possibly the only time it meant as much to me . I used it to get my feelings out and to help me make sense of even the basics like how I was actually feeling. I wrote one poem for him . I actually wrote it the day it was confirmed he had cancer . It was about him and how I saw him . I think at that time I needed to picture him exactly as i had always known him .


One day my mam read the poem , she thought it was "lovely" . The the funeral happened . He died on a Saturday night into the Sunday morning . When I got the call rom  my brother so early in the morning I knew it was the call I had been dreading getting . I was collected( I had just recently moved out of home) and brought over  to my grandparents house.The undertaker had taken my grandad to prepare him . The first time I saw him in the coffin , I couldn't breather . I had to get out of there. Which was strange for me  because I always wanted to be around him. After a while I got the courage or a sufficient grip on myself that I could go in and sit with him . I was then asked to read my poem for him at the funeral. My nan however wanted to hear it first . So still unsure if I could actually do this at the funeral  I sat down  in front of my nan at the head of the casket and read out the words I had written for this wonderful man. My nan after crying for a bit loved the poem she said I had captured him well and asked me  to read the poem on the day . If it is OK with you I would like to share this poem with you

Nothing is truer than a blood bond,

Flights and fancies come and go but Blood goes beyond.

A love for a person such as you ,

creates a shield no-one can break through.

When I close my eyes I see just what you mean to me.

My words may be simple and clear but to whom they're directed are oh so dear . . . to me

The man that I know so strong and so proud , your presence never gets smothered by the crowd.

A private man plays his cards close to his heart , but from his beloved he will never part.

Constantly busy cant bear to be still , to me you'll always be King of the Hill.

His garden his pride , His Heaven in which to hide.

Always has rules like " ladies don't drink from a pint glass" One of your sayings with me forever will last

little young me , venturng forth to lands so new , looking for advice from big old you

the words that you said sent me into a shock, and i quote

" Remember always keep both feet in one sock ! "

A life so full - a care taker , a fireman , a husband ,a farm hand , a factory worker

But more impressively A father , a Grandfather and a Great Grandfather.

A man with a neat hand , that cares for his land.

His home so neat, one never forgets to wipe their feet.

For all that you teach one lesson is beyond all reach , the love that you share for some is so rare.

Those in your house , always are safe whenever you're in the place.

Your wit is so sharp and like playing a harp, you play each one - it's how you have fun!

You walk in the door , all eyes hit the floor " whats he got to say today"

That glint in your eye " Jim's here to play ! "

No swell heads with you our egos wont be fed!

A man of reality no time for fantasy.

So organised , so straight although can sometimes be found holding up the gate ,

having a natter to Joe - for this no man better!

My words are all jumbled and I think I've been rumbled.

To me you are more than a man, you're my hero , my idol . . .

I think you understand .

My very own Jack with a sense of humour to match.

Whatever you think of my rhyme,

You'll believe my words in time.

Because it's true

Sir Jimminy Cricket my Hero is you !!

Your loving Grand Daughter

x x x x x

Needless to say I was shaking reading it , I tried so hard not to cry because I knew he would not have wanted me to . When I got to that last stanza there I couldn't control the tears. I don't think anyone in the church could actually make out the words !I like to think though that he appreciated what I wrote and could see the intention behind my words ( I wrote some not so nice ones at that time too but they'll come later)

I don't really know why I am telling people this story . It's not like no on else has felt this way but I guess with his birthday this month and his first year anniversary it's a bit of an emotional time and maybe I need to get the feelings out before they take over again

Thanks for listening

The Magpie