Heh Everyone ,

I just had to come on and tell you all about my day. Needless to say it was not my best day ever. I won't go in to all the sordid deatils of my day , I work with people with disabilities and since this is a work issue I wont get in to it . However and correct me if I am wrong but locking yourself in  bathroom and crying during work hours does not a healthy mind make !! Yes  I am usually a strong person but lately i have been pushed beyond my limits . Alot of things have been happening which stretch from not being paid because they"forgot" to put my timesheets in  to been bollocked out of it for another staff's mistakes to being messed around contract wise. Today for me was the last straw and I have seriously had enough.


I have spent my evening trying to look up jobs on line and well I guess I shouldn't be surprised but there is nothing going. So then I started looking up all these websites about how to find your dream job and  how to get it . So I am now starting to try figure out what I want to do . I am thining working for myself would be a huge bonus lol . However while  this sounds fantastic I am not sure what I can actually do . One bit of advice this particular website gave me was to work out what my hobbies are - I guess socialising doesn't cut it . Ok so Hobbies - I enjoy writing and randomly ranting on line to imaginary people, I enjoy travelling and dealing with people - certain people anyway - I like collecting vintage items , be they clothes or household items or what have ya . I enjoy watching movies and non stop talking about what I thought about it . I could go on!

The next question was a little harder  They asked me to think about my talents . Spelling is not one I already know that ! As for what qualifies as a talent I am struggling to think people say that they find it easy to talk to that I am a good listener - Does that count?  Aso I write poetry and I would like to think they are good ( if you want to check them ut check out www.writing4all.com and my username is dennym, if you do let me know what you think!)  so this is where I am stuck so if anyone out there has any  suggestions or helpful hints or would like to give me a  job  leave me a comment !!



Thanks for listening

The Magpie


xxxxx

Heh everyone ,


Just back from my assessment at the gym.. Oh lord do I have my work cut out for me ! My fabulous instructor Naveen is currently making out my plan for me . He did the whole weighing thing ( by the way I am down an entire pound since my last weigh in !) and he worked our my measurements . I am not happy with those but I guess that is why I am going to the gym in the first place.

What i am surprised about is he gave us a big motivational lecture about having to change our perspectives and the way we relate to our emotions. He was saying how our emotions and mood affect everything in our lives . That if we look at the reasons why we want to loose the weight and focus on that and the emotions around that , that it would make it easier for us because we will want it too happen. He also spoke about believing it will work so instead of me saying I wish was a certain size that I should start to believe I am that size and i will work to get it better . I came away with alot to think about to be honest. The hardest part of this whole process for me  will be changing how I  feel about food and my relationship to food . I love food in fact I would go so far as saying I adore food, but I can recognise that I eat when bored ad stressed and  that I eat the wrong food . See this ties in with what he was saying about the emotions . He said he knew our job and how emotionally draining it is , so to make me feel better after a tough day i turn to quick sugar fixes to lift my spirits which piles on more weight. It is really a vicious circle . I am back in the gym on Sunday at three. I know a Sunday I am dreading it but if I want this to work I have to put the hard yards in. Anywho  My main focus or the next few days is trying to get in to the habit of eating healthy . Which is a massive turn around from my usual eating routine.So where I would usually have my much adored bread I will eat something different fruit or something ..Ooooh Lord


Any way I am off to look up healthy alternatives for my lunches and dinners . Wish me luck !!


Thanks for listening

The Magpie

xx

Dear Pops



I just wanted to write to you today to wish you a Happy Birthday !! It's your first one without us . I hope you are having a ball up there with plenty of pints flowing! It is a strange day , I thought I would be in bits today crying and generally being a mess. Instead I am in great form , must be the sunshine , thanks for that by the way  !


I am getting there Pop I can talk about you without breaking down into a flood of tears . I can look at your pictures and wear your locket and not be engufed with this whirlpool of emotions. I do miss you , sometimes I stil walk in to your kitchen and look to the seat where you should be sitting and expect to see you there. Or when I have to fill the bucket for Nan and have to go in to your turf shed I half expect to have you come out to yell at me for breaking your turf wall . It feels empty without you although you cant take a setp in that house without seeing your face , your picture is everywhere. I have a lovely picture of us up in my house . It is the one from my leaving party , the one in the outback where you finally gave me a kiss when I didn't have to chase you for it !



I have been thinking alot lately bout my life and the things I want  from it. I am sure you've heard the things I have been asking for advice about? I honestly would like your opinion on it , and although I am not sure how the system up there works can you at least try and give me a sign about what you think......


Life for me is going great , the house is lovely and things with Phil are going great. I'm sure you know that already ! Work is a pain in the ass , so I will need your help finding something else and something far better than where I am . Granny is doing well  she is prob sick of the sight of us but we are there esp Ma she is aways there . She is doing alot better of late , slowly but surely coming out the other side. The crappy things that happened are heaing that way too . People still dont speak but on the whole things are alot calmer and less bitchy but I don't think things will ever go back to how they used to be , I reckon you were the glue for our family . Now you are not here we're not held together but at least we are alot closer of late !


Anyway Pops I will stop bending your ear and let you enjoy your day where ever you are . I ill write again if thats ok with you ? I love you and I miss you

Your loving grand daughter

The Magpie


xxxx

Just because .. hell the woman is right !!

Heh Everyone ,

I am spending my evening minding my little nephew . He is a gorgeous one and a bit year old . I would post the photos I took of us this evening but my brother ( his daddy) wont let me . Why not do it any way well my brother is about 6 ft 5 " twenty odd stone and not adverse to causing his little sister alot of pain via Chinese burns , dead arms and various wrestling moves !! so I find it best to choose my battles It costs less on medical bills !

Anyway back to my original story . My nephew had fallen asleep early enough , I  put him in his cot and came back down the stairs and turned on his camera . All was quiet  for about a half an hour when I heard him begin to whimper . I got up and checked the camera when I witnessed him sit bolt upright in his bed and begin to vomit in the same vain of that little girl in the exorcist! I ran straight up the stairs in time to see him begin to choke on his own vomit . With my heart in my mouth I lifted him up and started to pat him on the back in an effort to help ease the sensation. At this stage it is only fair to say I was panicking . I was a bout to ring an ambulance when his crying and heaving subsided .  He moved away from my chest where I was cuddling him , looked me dead in the eye and said "Bobba Nika ?" The little shagger wanted his bottle !!!!!!!

I couldn't believe it , in my head I had the worst case scenario with ambulance sirens and doctors  and all he was doing was making room for  his next bottle .  Before you worry once I had sufficiently recovered and ensured he was actually alright I gave him a stern talking to about scaring me like that . He looked up at me with his big eyes , gave me a kiss on the cheek . cuddled into my chest and fell asleep .  So needless to say we are friends again and that kid has me wrapped around his little finger already  but my god I will not forget this night of babysitting for a long time to come , and when he is big enough perhaps his 18th or when we meet his first girlfriend I will show him this blog , and all the pictures I have of him in his nappy !! Ah revenge a dish best served cold me thinks !!!!




Thanks for listening

The Magpie

xxx

Heh everyone ,

I have given myself a massive task to undertake . I have decided to set myself a goal weight and dress size . In three months time I wish to loose a stone and a half and one - two dress sizes . I weighed myself today and while I wont share what this weight was with you I will share each weeks weigh in and how it is going for me . I know it may seem strange to share all this info with complete strangers like this but if I keep a semi diary of what I am doing it might just help me along . Also if  anyone has any tips on the best way to do this I would greatly appreciate this!  A little bit of encouragement wouldn't go as tray either .

I have started making little changes to my lifestyle already , I have made an appointment to go to my local gym and get an assessment done so I can get a programme made up . I have also changed my diet sightly  I love bread absolutely adore bread but it's not great for me so I am cutting down on bread ( I have been advised by some ladies I work with to remove bread an carbs from my diet altogether but like I said  I adore bread I wouldn't survive without it , I would end up on  bread binge !)I have swapped my full fat milk for a slim line milk. I have also started to drink more green tea and water and have cut down enormously on the fizzy drinks I was drinking. other changes include going walking . I started that today . Myself and one of the ladies I work with went for an hour long walk . I never realised how unfit I was , my legs started cramping pretty much immediately . My feet are sore , and my lungs felt like they were going to explode from the about the third step. Though it is a start and everyone needs to start somewhere. I have planned to go to the gym one evening a week , go for  a walk one more evening and use the treadmill and dumbbell's at home one other evening . I don't want to over do it because I will get so bored and give in . I figure small changes will be easier to adapt to which may mean I will stick to it right ?

Also had issues this week with some

 one form my past . It's a lesson learned  sometimes the words I have can maybe hurt another person . I never thought about that as I typed but then those were the words floating in my head at the time . I needed to get them out of my head . It doesn't make me a bitch , naive maybe but then again that's all part of life isn't it ? you learn by experiencing .  So I have come to the conclusion that I am going to leave the past in the past and move to the future with positivity.

Anyway that's my news for today and that's my focus for the next coming weeks . If anyone has any words of encouragement  I'll take them all !!

Thanks for listening

The Magpie

xx

 Have you ever read something that really just makes you smile . Reading what I read tonight has just re inforced something I already knew . I am one really lucky lady . Agreeing to that meal was the best decision I ever made!

Been sitting here trying to think of something clever , mysterious and romantic to say but everything that I have typed  I have deleted because it just doen't sound right. So I have decided on one little message that if he reads I hope he both gets and appreciates . So here it goes ............

............ "You're too cool !"

Mood - Very Happy


Thanks for listening

The Magpie
   xxxxx

I ave decided I am going to live by these very words ... Those that want to judge me , can judge all they like I'd rather live my life than listen to them  moan about there own !!!

For all the issues this lady had she is still the most beautiful and inspiring woman ever.

Just so you know expect more of her on my posts!!

When Jim passed away like I said I was very all over the place . So on the suggestion of some loved ones I went to see a grievance counsellor . It was weird at first considering the man's name is Jim ! but after the first session I began to open up to him and actually talk . At the same time there was alot of family things happening at the same time. My Grandad was the glue of the family and after he died we all just seemed to fall apart.  At a time when we should have come together we turned on each other . This particular counsellor was set up by the local Parish Centre so he was sort of religious and when I showed him the poem I wrote when I heard it was terminal  , lets just say it made the atmosphere very cold  !

I am constantly told to believe in you

that you're divine blessings are true

Your words , I'm told can save my Soul

I just have to believe in you is all

Each event that happens , according to what I hear

Is all planned to bring us near.

Tell you how much we love and need

We listen because after all you did bleed

For our Sins - To Save our Souls

Not once did you refuse - not at all

You carried the burden, you followed the rules

if we don't believe we're the fools

From when we are small

For any loss that may befall

We're told you wanted them home

To be your angel, and to you they all come.

A forgiving God

A loving father

To this my thoughts covered in fog

The devil i know I'd rather

At least he wouldn lie

he'd look at you and tell you . "you'll die "

Your soul he'd thieve

In that you can believe .

My faith was always shaken

The truths I'm forced fed , i just cant take in

A divinity that's meant to protect me

A being so celestial and free

But answer me this

What do you gain from taking his Soul

and breaking the hearts of us all?

Taking your angel home to be with you

Is this greed a part to be loved in you ?

whats worse is your method

His life was clean , his soul pure

now his body ravaged by a disease with no cure

the pain he feels at the darkening of the day

is unbelievable and kills me to say

A man who done you no wrong

his faith in you was always strong

You've turned your back on his welfare

tell me how is this fair?

I'm in no way thinking him immortal

Sadly I knew this day would eventually befall

But the way it's happening

I cant swallow at all.

what was wrong with him closing his eyes one night

lying side by side with his wife

together they make their journey with no warning

Neither opening their eyes in the morning.

For his life that he lived

no sins to forgive

that would have been nice

now our hearts laden trapped in a vice

watching the demise of the man we adore

willing our hearts not to fall to the floor

wathchng the disease kill him minute by minute

leaving a shell of a man , I just cant believe it

What possible lesson is there to be learned?

what truths do we need to earn?

why hurt this life?

why Slowly kill his wife?

What do you gain

from watching our pain

why do we need to cry

Is all they teach about you a lie!





I can understand why he he was sightly taken aback . He understood where I was coming from and spent alot of time talking about this to me ... My faith is still shaken and I am not sure what I believe in . That's neither here or there to be honest . I am at the point now where I am not angry any more , and I don't cry when I talk about him, which has got to be  a good thing right? I look at him now as a guiding light someone I call on when I feel scared or alone . I write him letters  now just to let him know how things are going for me and whats happening in my life ..


Thanks for listening

The Magpie

This next two months are going to be very hard for me and I want to tell you why . On June 19th of last year I lost my Grandad Jim to a very short illness. He had cancer for quite some time and we did not know about it . He was the sort of man who never liked to tell anyone if he felt under the weather or sick . He was too proud so it was only because it had advanced so much that it started affecting his memory and balance that we knew something was up . When the hallucinations began we knew it was very serious.

I need to explain what this man meant to me , this man was my hero . He was always there and always strong , seeing him slowly disappear in front of my eyes was possibly the hardest thing I have ever had to witness. My nan was always ill , well at least for as long as i can remember .He was always taking care of her . After her heart operation this stepped up a gear  , walking her to the car carrying her weight  , ensuring she needed for nothing. Every summer  he would walk out to his garden ( which by the way he tended to very well , he even won awards in the local tidy towns competition ) and bring her in the last rose of the summer and present it to her. He was a constant for me . The one person who made sure  you knew where you stood with him . I loved him so much so hearing that,  this man I regarded as the strongest man I know , falling apart in front of my eyes well it shook me to the core. Everything I thought I knew and understood about the world went out the window . I found myself unable to concentrate. I would be  having conversations with people but if they asked me to repeat what was said I was stuck  . I was there but I wasn't there if you get my meaning . I was too busy trying to make everything make sense again.My friends and boyfriend were really good to me but they were at a loss as to what to do to help me . I was crying over the littlest things, and the things that should have upset me just didn't . The only thing I did do during that period was write poetry . I had always write poetry but this was possibly the only time it meant as much to me . I used it to get my feelings out and to help me make sense of even the basics like how I was actually feeling. I wrote one poem for him . I actually wrote it the day it was confirmed he had cancer . It was about him and how I saw him . I think at that time I needed to picture him exactly as i had always known him .


One day my mam read the poem , she thought it was "lovely" . The the funeral happened . He died on a Saturday night into the Sunday morning . When I got the call rom  my brother so early in the morning I knew it was the call I had been dreading getting . I was collected( I had just recently moved out of home) and brought over  to my grandparents house.The undertaker had taken my grandad to prepare him . The first time I saw him in the coffin , I couldn't breather . I had to get out of there. Which was strange for me  because I always wanted to be around him. After a while I got the courage or a sufficient grip on myself that I could go in and sit with him . I was then asked to read my poem for him at the funeral. My nan however wanted to hear it first . So still unsure if I could actually do this at the funeral  I sat down  in front of my nan at the head of the casket and read out the words I had written for this wonderful man. My nan after crying for a bit loved the poem she said I had captured him well and asked me  to read the poem on the day . If it is OK with you I would like to share this poem with you

Nothing is truer than a blood bond,

Flights and fancies come and go but Blood goes beyond.

A love for a person such as you ,

creates a shield no-one can break through.

When I close my eyes I see just what you mean to me.

My words may be simple and clear but to whom they're directed are oh so dear . . . to me

The man that I know so strong and so proud , your presence never gets smothered by the crowd.

A private man plays his cards close to his heart , but from his beloved he will never part.

Constantly busy cant bear to be still , to me you'll always be King of the Hill.

His garden his pride , His Heaven in which to hide.

Always has rules like " ladies don't drink from a pint glass" One of your sayings with me forever will last

little young me , venturng forth to lands so new , looking for advice from big old you

the words that you said sent me into a shock, and i quote

" Remember always keep both feet in one sock ! "

A life so full - a care taker , a fireman , a husband ,a farm hand , a factory worker

But more impressively A father , a Grandfather and a Great Grandfather.

A man with a neat hand , that cares for his land.

His home so neat, one never forgets to wipe their feet.

For all that you teach one lesson is beyond all reach , the love that you share for some is so rare.

Those in your house , always are safe whenever you're in the place.

Your wit is so sharp and like playing a harp, you play each one - it's how you have fun!

You walk in the door , all eyes hit the floor " whats he got to say today"

That glint in your eye " Jim's here to play ! "

No swell heads with you our egos wont be fed!

A man of reality no time for fantasy.

So organised , so straight although can sometimes be found holding up the gate ,

having a natter to Joe - for this no man better!

My words are all jumbled and I think I've been rumbled.

To me you are more than a man, you're my hero , my idol . . .

I think you understand .

My very own Jack with a sense of humour to match.

Whatever you think of my rhyme,

You'll believe my words in time.

Because it's true

Sir Jimminy Cricket my Hero is you !!

Your loving Grand Daughter

x x x x x

Needless to say I was shaking reading it , I tried so hard not to cry because I knew he would not have wanted me to . When I got to that last stanza there I couldn't control the tears. I don't think anyone in the church could actually make out the words !I like to think though that he appreciated what I wrote and could see the intention behind my words ( I wrote some not so nice ones at that time too but they'll come later)

I don't really know why I am telling people this story . It's not like no on else has felt this way but I guess with his birthday this month and his first year anniversary it's a bit of an emotional time and maybe I need to get the feelings out before they take over again

Thanks for listening

The Magpie