Hey Everyone ,

I am going to indulge a bit of ranting tonight and allow myself to wallow in my own misery for just a little while . I don't even really know why this stuff is coming to the surface tonight but I guess I should just deal with it and get over it .

throughout my past I have lost alot of friends to reasons I am not really sure about.They don't talk to me any more yet they all seem to talk to each other , it is like a"I hate The magpie Club" I know that this sounds drenched in self pity and it is to a degree. I guess I am just wondering what it is about The Magpie that makes this sorta thing happen. People I have been so close to just seem to shut themselves off to me completely but still talk to others in my life. I know what my mam tells me and what all my hero's and idols would say , but I also hear that little voice in my head that tells me I am the problem. That voice doesn't always take over but the odd time it's words eat away at my resolve and I sit and think . I have even approached one or two of them and asked them out right , I asked one what we fell out over and they replied I don't really know ! Another told me they were jealous of my other friendships . That can't be the case for them all though and I am the only common denominator . Maybe I need to figure out what the root issue is and address it , I don't want to loose any  one else from my life , I've lost enough .......


So if I am the problem how do I fix it ? How do I ensure I don't loose anyone else. How do I stop that voice that makes me doubt myself and who or what  I am ?I am tired of always feeling like a bitch , I am tired of hearing that I am a bitch . I am so very tired of having to monitor myself to the point of not talking at times in fear of hurting someone unintentionally and in turn pushing them away too. You know I once had a friend who out of the blue just stopped talking to me . Now I know I sound like someone who is trying to shift the blame from myself but I swear on my Gran dad's grave that it came out of the blue , from nowhere . Anyway this friend just stopped talking to me and went to mutual friends bitching and name calling . One day I wrote this friend a letter telling them how much I loved them and wanted to sort out our issues . I handed it to them and the ripped it up before My eyes without reading it . A year went bye where we didn't talk or text or even facebook , till one day I received a text from this person. The text said they needed closure and that they thought I would die alone ,that I was a bitch and pushed people away . Now I swear to God that this was the text I received and that was exactly how we fell out . For someone to hate me that much I must have done something , a mutual friend one day spoke to him about it and he just replied that I know what I did , but when pushed couldn't tell her what it was that I did.


I am just so sick of constantly being blamed and being the person that others take their shit out on . Then the voice kicks in ..... What if I am to blame ? What if I drive everyone away ? What if I am the monster they describe?


Sorry it's so whinge

Thanks for listening

The Magpie

xxx