Heh Everyone ,

Forgive me , my ramblings today may be a tad morose , well then today is pop's first anniversary. Three hundred and sixty five days ago he closed his eyes never to open them again.If you wouldn't mind to allow me , this is my letter to him today.


Dear Pop's

Happy Anniversary !!!! can I say that? ah well I have never been  too PC so why change the habit of a life time  now!


It's been a whole year already Jimbob , it has been the longest and yet quickest year of my life. There has been so many changes in my life this year alone that I am kinda lost. First of all when you passed everything got turned upside down on me . You were never sick always strong so seeing you weak changed everything , what I thought I knew what I could depend on , was proven to be wrong . Then my family disintegrated before our very eyes. No one was talking and everyone was hurting and taking it out on each other . I felt stuck in the middle unsure of who to talk to or what I was allowed to say . Betty totally lost it  , I am sure you saw that ?  I couldn't keep up with the role reversals Pop's. If you were here you would have sorted them all out . The things they began to say to each other , it was crazy to hear and it hurt t hear some of the things said.


Then I left home properly for the first time . Moved in with my friend .. It should have been the best time but that too fell to pieces. It's not that I didn't try to fix it I swear to God I did. I tried so hard but it wore me down  I had so much of my own stuff floating round my head that her emotional baggage proved too much. I couldn't handle it , and I told her that . Things turned frosty , she stopped talking to me it became intolerable. So I left and we have not spoken since. I am partly to blame for that , I have not tried to hard to mend that bridge.



As for work, Pop's I need to change that situation. It is killing me . It is what I thought I wanted to do but lately I have discovered that it is defiantly not what I want to do. Sadly I am stuck , and I really need your help to get the hell out of there. I am not sleeping , feeling sick and dreading the thoughts of going in there . I know no one likes going to work but to dread the thoughts of getting up ? to getting physically sick at the thought of having to be there. I need that change , I need to be happy ad being there defiantly does not make me happy .



What does make me happy is the other big change this year. Moving in with Mad Mac that is a decision that has worked for me. He helps to calm that storm Pop's . Everyday I panic  about pretty much every aspect o my life . I question and doubt everything I have said and doe , I second guess it all .. Then  I go home and close the door and it all stops. That feeling of dread in lines the bottom of y stomach as I spend my days in work dissipates the minute I walk in my front door. It is my safe haven and it has alot to do with Mad Mac , and now our pet Monroe! It is what I want , it is where I feel   safest !



Sorry I am sounding so negative pop , but I am struggling with certain aspects of my life , and now you are my guiding light I need you to help me out . I miss you Jimbob !!
I really do it still hurts


I love you

\Your Granddaughter

The Magpie

xxxxx



It's a strange time for this Magpie , but I know I will get through it , I have a very powerful angel up there looking out for me . He will catch me when I need him . I also have many angels here with me , they just don't have their wings yet !!

Thanks for listening


The Magpie
xxx