This next two months are going to be very hard for me and I want to tell you why . On June 19th of last year I lost my Grandad Jim to a very short illness. He had cancer for quite some time and we did not know about it . He was the sort of man who never liked to tell anyone if he felt under the weather or sick . He was too proud so it was only because it had advanced so much that it started affecting his memory and balance that we knew something was up . When the hallucinations began we knew it was very serious.

I need to explain what this man meant to me , this man was my hero . He was always there and always strong , seeing him slowly disappear in front of my eyes was possibly the hardest thing I have ever had to witness. My nan was always ill , well at least for as long as i can remember .He was always taking care of her . After her heart operation this stepped up a gear  , walking her to the car carrying her weight  , ensuring she needed for nothing. Every summer  he would walk out to his garden ( which by the way he tended to very well , he even won awards in the local tidy towns competition ) and bring her in the last rose of the summer and present it to her. He was a constant for me . The one person who made sure  you knew where you stood with him . I loved him so much so hearing that,  this man I regarded as the strongest man I know , falling apart in front of my eyes well it shook me to the core. Everything I thought I knew and understood about the world went out the window . I found myself unable to concentrate. I would be  having conversations with people but if they asked me to repeat what was said I was stuck  . I was there but I wasn't there if you get my meaning . I was too busy trying to make everything make sense again.My friends and boyfriend were really good to me but they were at a loss as to what to do to help me . I was crying over the littlest things, and the things that should have upset me just didn't . The only thing I did do during that period was write poetry . I had always write poetry but this was possibly the only time it meant as much to me . I used it to get my feelings out and to help me make sense of even the basics like how I was actually feeling. I wrote one poem for him . I actually wrote it the day it was confirmed he had cancer . It was about him and how I saw him . I think at that time I needed to picture him exactly as i had always known him .


One day my mam read the poem , she thought it was "lovely" . The the funeral happened . He died on a Saturday night into the Sunday morning . When I got the call rom  my brother so early in the morning I knew it was the call I had been dreading getting . I was collected( I had just recently moved out of home) and brought over  to my grandparents house.The undertaker had taken my grandad to prepare him . The first time I saw him in the coffin , I couldn't breather . I had to get out of there. Which was strange for me  because I always wanted to be around him. After a while I got the courage or a sufficient grip on myself that I could go in and sit with him . I was then asked to read my poem for him at the funeral. My nan however wanted to hear it first . So still unsure if I could actually do this at the funeral  I sat down  in front of my nan at the head of the casket and read out the words I had written for this wonderful man. My nan after crying for a bit loved the poem she said I had captured him well and asked me  to read the poem on the day . If it is OK with you I would like to share this poem with you

Nothing is truer than a blood bond,

Flights and fancies come and go but Blood goes beyond.

A love for a person such as you ,

creates a shield no-one can break through.

When I close my eyes I see just what you mean to me.

My words may be simple and clear but to whom they're directed are oh so dear . . . to me

The man that I know so strong and so proud , your presence never gets smothered by the crowd.

A private man plays his cards close to his heart , but from his beloved he will never part.

Constantly busy cant bear to be still , to me you'll always be King of the Hill.

His garden his pride , His Heaven in which to hide.

Always has rules like " ladies don't drink from a pint glass" One of your sayings with me forever will last

little young me , venturng forth to lands so new , looking for advice from big old you

the words that you said sent me into a shock, and i quote

" Remember always keep both feet in one sock ! "

A life so full - a care taker , a fireman , a husband ,a farm hand , a factory worker

But more impressively A father , a Grandfather and a Great Grandfather.

A man with a neat hand , that cares for his land.

His home so neat, one never forgets to wipe their feet.

For all that you teach one lesson is beyond all reach , the love that you share for some is so rare.

Those in your house , always are safe whenever you're in the place.

Your wit is so sharp and like playing a harp, you play each one - it's how you have fun!

You walk in the door , all eyes hit the floor " whats he got to say today"

That glint in your eye " Jim's here to play ! "

No swell heads with you our egos wont be fed!

A man of reality no time for fantasy.

So organised , so straight although can sometimes be found holding up the gate ,

having a natter to Joe - for this no man better!

My words are all jumbled and I think I've been rumbled.

To me you are more than a man, you're my hero , my idol . . .

I think you understand .

My very own Jack with a sense of humour to match.

Whatever you think of my rhyme,

You'll believe my words in time.

Because it's true

Sir Jimminy Cricket my Hero is you !!

Your loving Grand Daughter

x x x x x

Needless to say I was shaking reading it , I tried so hard not to cry because I knew he would not have wanted me to . When I got to that last stanza there I couldn't control the tears. I don't think anyone in the church could actually make out the words !I like to think though that he appreciated what I wrote and could see the intention behind my words ( I wrote some not so nice ones at that time too but they'll come later)

I don't really know why I am telling people this story . It's not like no on else has felt this way but I guess with his birthday this month and his first year anniversary it's a bit of an emotional time and maybe I need to get the feelings out before they take over again

Thanks for listening

The Magpie